Gently Parenting Through Toddler Tantrums

They're a fact of life it seems: toddler tantrums. But how we deal with our toddlers' melt-downs makes all the difference in them and in us. Here are some ways to gently parent through toddler tantrums (and maintain your sanity in the process).

When I was finally pregnant, I knew I wanted to be an attachment parent. Years of being in a classroom full of other people's kids and longing for my own made me realize that if I only got one shot at being a mama, I wanted it to be as full of secure and attached relationship as possible. I read all the books, joined all the groups…you name it.

And my son was really an easy baby! He rarely cried, even though he had reflux, and as he grew and aged, I found the 'terrible twos' were pretty terrific. Except when they were not. Which wasn't often, but left me wondering, "Who is this child and how do I get my sweet baby back???"

Related: The 3 Causes Behind Most Tantrums

Toddler Tantrums Are Normal

Believe it or not, toddlers having tantrums is exactly what we should expect. While they are often simply stemming from an unmet need or desire, tantrums are biologically sound evidence of development. They show that children are learning to be their own people, independent of mama and daddy, and yet–still with very underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes.

When babies are born, their amygdalas are mature. This is what tells her limbic or lower brain (also known as the 'emotional' brain') there is an issue when there's an issue–like they're hungry, wet, etc. This is how babies can tell us they need us, and how they survive.

But their higher brains, or their prefrontal cortexes are still not very developed. At all, in fact. Researchers believe that prefrontal cortex maturation doesn't occur until the ages of 19-25, and that even depends on gender. So while your adorable toddler has a very strong ability to know something isn't quite right, they don't have the full local brain/prefrontal cortex ability to manage how to handle their distress.

And this is where the tantrum comes from. Just as we adults do when we're stressed, they release stress hormones and their emotions can get pretty hardcore. They're not able to really rationally think that great in the first place at this age and then all of a sudden, the stress hormones make that even harder. That's when you see your child literally lose their mind and that's when our reaction is the most important.

Your toddler is feeling just as frustrated on the inside as you are watching her throw a hissy fit the size of Texas. She doesn't understand what's going on in her body (and honestly, do we?) and still somehow she's supposed to manage these intense emotions with underdeveloped emotional regulation. It's obviously a recipe for "Holy Cow" and might make you want to lose yourself in your closet. (No judging.)

Toddler Tantrums: What Do You Do?

So what do you do? While your first instinct may be just to get them to turn.it.off, the reality is that they need your help with controlling those strong emotions. And that's where you connecting with them will be the difference between night and day. You connecting with them will help their logical and emotional brains connect, and begin to call down. And actually, temper tantrums are pretty important in development because that connection you're helping them with is setting the way for further neural connections down the line. When you help them regulate their emotions, they can create the right neural pathways for adulthood, so how you respond to today's tantrum affects how they respond to their boss one day in the future.

Most importantly, keep them safe. So often, tantruming involves some epic throwdowns, so keep them safe from themselves and yourself as well. Move objects that may be in the way, and remind them that you're there. Even though the last thing in the world you may want to do is hug that bucking porcupine, doing so gives them oxytocin to battle the stress hormones and keeps them safe in the process.

Let them know that you hear them. Even if they're yelling like bananas, and it may be obvious to all around, they still need to know you hear them and you hear their frustration. Voice it. Let them know you understand they're really upset. Let them know you understand they really want that toy. Tell them you bet it's pretty frustrating for them and that you wish they'd feel better. They may continue throwing down, but you've at least started a neural connection that sends them on a path of empathy and consoling, not shame and uncertainty.

And, even better, give them words to name what they're feeling. Hearing them and trying to figure out what's really going on (after making sure they're not hungry or tired, because who of us isn't prone to a tantrum when hungry or tired?) can work its way right into giving them the vocabulary for these big emotions. Reaffirm that they're disappointed and teach the word. Confirm that their angry voice tells you they're aggravated and watch those words come back at other times, and perhaps less vehemently because they have words to go with feelings instead of just primal rage and anger. It'll take practice and repetition, but don't doubt teaching your children vocabulary to voice frustration can help reduce tantrums.

Related: Behind the Tantrum: How the Toddler Microbiome Influences Behavior

Give options for behavior too. Sometimes, they're just mad because they want one thing and you want another. Who of us hasn't been in those shoes either? Wouldn't it be nice if someone offered you a reasonable alternative to something as an adult instead of simply telling you, "No. This is how it is."?

The same goes for your toddler. Obviously, there are times that simply won't and cannot work, but showing your child some grace, even when you think you are about to lose it all, can show them what unconditional love and humility looks like. Too often we fear that if we let our toddlers 'win' we lose some sort of authority. The reality is that we all win when we all feel validated and heard, and that can be visibly seen when we offer our toddlers alternatives for their issues.

Of course, there are times when you can do it all right and your little one is just going to need to have himself a moment. That's okay. That's when you need to remember that it's not personal; your toddler is not trying to ruin your life or take you out of the running for mother of the year. And you also need to remember that what other people think really doesn't matter one little bit. You're never going to please everyone everywhere and all you're really worried about is making sure these developmental stages happen with you knowing they're completely normal and expected.

And no matter what, you'll always be your toddler's hero!

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